If Sweden was my boyfriend

Krakow was an experience. Mainly I was working, so there wasn't much of a chance to really explore, but being in a country that is completely alien to me made me realise that Sweden is becoming quite comfortable for me now. Every day I'm surrounded by a foreign language, but it's one that I understand, and it felt strange to see a foreign language everywhere that I couldn't even begin to understand. Obviously it's been a learning process to understand this country, and I'm quite sure I've only reached the tip of the iceberg, but this was the point that I realised how much things here have started to make sense to me, and become the "normal" way for me. But now onto an aspect of living here that I really cannot make sense of, and that really is making me question more and more why I'm here.

I don't actually have a bank account in Sweden. In January I was waiting to get a job and get established here, in February I was waiting for a personnummer, in March I had some personal matters to deal with that were more of a priority, and for much of this month I believed I would be leaving soon, thus making it a waste of time to go and open an account. Having decided that I will stay longer, today after work I finally made the effort to go to Handelsbanken. I chose Handelsbanken specifically because numerous sources, including the bank themselves, state that they offer a non-resident bank account. I'm not sure how that's different to any other bank account, but due to not being able to get a personnummer it's really the only option for getting an account in this country in my current circumstances.

So in I go, armed with ID, copies of payslips, my work contract etc, and immediately I'm shut down and told that they don't offer that service. I asked why their own website, plus numerous other sources, claims that they do if they don't. The gentleman at the bank didn't have an answer for that. He told me there have to be exceptional circumstances, or they have to have an existing agreement with my employer, which of course they don't. I suggested they get someone to have a look at the information they're giving out. He suggested I try ICA Banken. I walked outside and burst into tears.

You may ask why having a bank account in Sweden is such a big deal, let alone something to bring me to tears in the middle of the street, especially when my employer has been happily paying my wages into my UK account all this time. I'm losing money just by being here. Every financial transaction I make comes with a fee. My bank casually takes £6 from my wages every month for accepting foreign money, which is a tiny percentage of the wages, but obviously it adds up over time. Worst of all is that when I pay rent to my landlord, who obviously does have a Swedish bank account, my bank charges me an extra £30, which is a significant addition to the rent.

But this is just one part of a bigger problem. Sweden has no respect for me. Sweden is happy to take from me but gives me nothing back. Sweden makes me feel like I'm not a real person. Every time I think things are going well Sweden takes my hope away. Sweden isn't satisfied no matter what I do. I have a sneaking suspicion that Sweden probably doesn't want me around at all. If Sweden was my boyfriend everyone I knew would be telling me to leave.

I am not, and never have been, an idle person. Coming to this country, my intention was always to find a job, contribute, and basically do all the things that any normal, productive member of society does, the same things I have done throughout my adult life. I worked hard to find a job, and a month to the day since I arrived in this country I was starting a new job. I believe that some of this was down to being in the right place at the right time, but I worked hard to find a job, and other people have been uniformly impressed with the speed in which I started working here, and then found a stable place to live. I like my house and my job, and on the surface I probably appear to be very settled. 

Having a personnummer is the key to everything here. Having found a job, everything I knew suggested that I could then get a personnummer, and then get all the other things like a bank account set up. We know how that turned out, and it became clear in my dealings with Skatteverket that the information you get really depends on who you speak to and what the weather is like that day. Not wanting to recognise me as a resident of this country certainly doesn't mean the government is going to let me keep my money, of course not. I'm not entitled to even join a gym here, but I still get a third of my money taken away in taxes, to pay for the royal wedding amongst other things. I'm very much entitled to pay taxes to Sweden, but that's about the only thing I'm entitled to. Every time there seems to be some way to make my life easier, for example opening a non-resident bank account, the door gets slammed in my face once again, and I'm sick of it. 

I can't help but compare this experience to when I lived in Finland. It's now been about four months, and at this point when I was in Finland I had both a bank account and a social security number, and I gained those things through having a one month part time work contract. Now I've been working full time for three months, and I'm entitled to bugger all. When talking about these problems to Swedish people, I've mentioned how in Finland my employer could only pay into a Finnish account. There was a delay at Maistraati in providing me with a social security number, but they'd confirmed I was entitled to one and would receive one, so my friend took me to the bank and we explained the circumstances. It was no trouble at all, they opened an account for me with a generic number, and told me to come back and let them know my real social security number once I had it. I never actually remembered to go back and tell them. Swedish people laugh their heads off at the idea of such a thing happening in a Swedish bank. And to prove the point, the very first question I was asked today, even after specifying that I'd like a non-resident account, was "Can I see your personnummer?" 

I haven't been to Finland in a while, so I can't say for sure how the situation is these days, but from what I know immigration levels are much lower there than in Sweden. When I lived there everyone I knew, except for one person, was Finnish. I was the novelty act because I was foreign. Attitudes to immigrants, even white European ones like me, were not always tolerant. At the time I felt like the authorities might be deliberately making things difficult. Now the way Finland treated me seems like a dream. If I had had the job I have now in Finland I wouldn't have had a care in the world.

I'm sick of basic things being huge struggles. I'm sick of feeling like nobody cares, nobody wants to help, like whatever direction I go in it still leads to nothing. I'm sick of losing money through necessary transactions like getting paid and paying my rent. I've done everything right, and I've not asked for anything except to be treated like everyone else. And it just makes me think more and more, why am I actually bothering? I could move back to London and get treated like a real human being. There are issues in my personal life that make living in England again a good option, and the way I'm treated by the authorities here does nothing to discourage me. I spend more and more time feeling frustrated and unhappy, and I can't help but feel that I deserve better than this.

I don't give up easily. Anyone who knows me will say that when I decide I'm going to do something it will get done, one way or another. I put in so much work, and effort, and resources to come here. I really, really wanted to come here. But I'm starting to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I keep wondering what would be good enough for Sweden. I keep wondering what Sweden actually wants me to do. I hate to say it, but if Sweden wants me to leave then unfortunately Sweden is winning. It's wearing me down, and I don't know if I can keep putting up with this.

On the surface things are good. I have a decent job, a nice place to live, a social life, I can speak Swedish - you'd be forgiven for thinking I've really got my shit together here. In some ways I have. But then this kind of problem comes up yet again and reminds me that my life here is very superficial. I really wanted to come here, but I'm starting to get sick of jumping through every hoop and it still not being good enough. You only have to look online at pretty much any expat forum or website to see that I'm not the only one.

I can remember the exact moment in Finland, after being there for just under two months, when I knew I wanted it to be my home, and I knew that I would do whatever it took to stay. I loved it so much, and I did put up with a lot in order to stay. I love Stockholm, and I like my day to day life in Stockholm, but even after double the amount of time I don't feel that burning love that I had in Turku. I am not eager to leave, but there's only so much I'm willing to put up with in order to stay. And I'm not sure for how long I'm willing to be only half a person.

Staying still and travelling

Things have still been busy recently, but in more pleasant ways. I was offered an extension on my work contract, so despite the other things that are going on I'm going to stay put in Stockholm for now. It is difficult in some ways, but it's also so nice that I can still continue the experience I wanted to have of living here. Especially as spring is arriving and generally it's getting so much brighter here now.

I'm quite determined to stay occupied, to distract from the more negative feelings that come with staying here, and at the moment I have a few things coming up that I'm excited about. 

Tomorrow I'll be going to Krakow for a week for a work related trip. It's a bit nerve wracking, but I hope it will be a generally pleasant experience. I'm not sure how much time I'll have to explore Krakow, but hopefully there will be some opportunities for that. When I lived in Finland I considered visiting Gdansk purely because there was a direct flight from Turku, but other than that I've never really thought about visiting Poland, plus this only came up very recently, so it's a cool opportunity, and will definitely be an adventure.

I'll be travelling for most of tomorrow, so I have quite a few things I need to do today. Supermarket Art Fair is on today, and I hoped to go but I think it'll take up too much time, so as an alternative, I've found that Stockholm Art Book Fair, which I think is fairly new, is also on today at Spritmuseum in Djurgården, so I'm planning to go to that today. I've had so much going on that I completely missed that it was Stockholm Art this week - a bit disappointing.

The other thing I'm excited about is that in just under 4 weeks I'm going for a short holiday to London! I'm really looking forward to seeing lots of people who I miss, and I'm surprised by how excited I am to actually be back in London for a few days! I think it's a well-deserved reward after a stressful period of time. So although it's not perfect, I feel optimistic for the near future, and I'm going to make an effort to work more on this blog again, and in fact, to generally put a bit more into my creative practices.

I went AWOL

It's been almost a month since I updated this blog. I've had to personal matters to deal with recently, and it seems that, very sadly, I'll soon be going back to London due to what's been happening. It's unexpected, and if it weren't for this I would not even be thinking about leaving Stockholm, but it's something very important to me. So this has taken up a lot of my time and energy recently, I've gone into myself a bit. My work contract finishes at the end of April - I never looked into other options at the same place because all of this came up - so it looks like I'll be shipping out at the start of May, meaning that I was here for four months. It's so sad, especially as it's now getting warmer and sunnier in Stockholm, summer is definitely on its way. I have a very short time left here, so I'm trying to appreciate it and make the best of it. As it's been a while, here are a few noteworthy things that have been going on lately.

First of all, in another unexpected turn of events, in a weeks time I will be travelling to Krakow for a week! For the final month of my contract I've been given a slightly different role at work, which mainly involves planning an event in Krakow, and as part of this I'm required to attend said event in Krakow! I'm excited but also nervous, and it does mean that, according to when I expect to leave, this is my last full weekend in Stockholm, as I will be travelling to and from Poland during two weekends. It's still a new experience, so I'm really grateful to have the chance to go.

I visited a vegetarian restaurant lately that I had walked past many times in Gamla Stan, but never been to, Hermitage Restaurang. It's a vegetarian all you can eat buffet - a lot of the food is vegan - and is wasn't bad for 120kr for dinner. There are not a huge number of choices - bread, soup, a hot dish, lasagne, rice, potatoes, and various salads - but the food was quite nice, and it's a pleasant environment. You're given free jugs of water with mint and lemon, which is a nice gesture. The restaurant is small, and I was part of a large group at a busy time, so I did get cramped. The buffet and counter area is also quite cramped, but other than that I really enjoyed it here. I think that lunch here was 10 or 20kr cheaper than dinner, and I think this would be a great place for lunch. Yet another restaurant in Stockholm that I approve of.

After the meal we went for a drink, and walked to Södermalm. We found one bar called Stora Vikingen, or in English, "The Big Viking", and decided that we really had to go there. It was all really kind of funny because the bar looked a bit old and tired, it didn't look to be that well maintained, but when we sat down they gave the menu to us in the form of an iPad! We sat down and immediate had four iPads on the table! It wasn't the most attractive looking place but the staff were pleasant, the wine we ordered was good, and we enjoyed ourselves. But it goes to show that not everything in Södermalm is cool.

On Friday night I went somewhere really cool though, also in Södermalm - Södra Teatern. I hadn't been here before, but actually had probably one of the best nights I've had in Stockholm. At first we were on the terrace, where the views are absolutely beautiful. Definitely one of the best places I've found to look at all of Stockholm. In the evenings right now it's still a bit too chilly to sit outside very late, so we went back inside to the bar, but it must be so nice to sit outside there in the summer. 

Best of all, after a while it turned out there was a ska/reggae night happening, which happens to be my favourite genre of music, and until now I hadn't found any nights with this type of music in Stockholm. I really enjoyed it here, and would love to come again.

At the moment I'm really taking each day as it comes, but I hope that I will have time in the next few weeks to appreciate being here, and make more happy memories of my time here, which is sadly being cut short.